The views of the Snark do not reflect the views or Opinions of 13th Hour Online or any of their partners or affiliates in any way. This is purely satirical and meant for a laugh and nothing more. (So lighten up Francis ) These reviews may contain spoilers of this film (or possibly others or even the ending of LOST…..sorry JJ ) so reader beware. The views expressed within are solely the views of a jaded, grumpy old man, who loves Batman a little too much, and wants you to get  off his lawn.

Hardcore Henry aka The Worst Duke Nukem Game I’ve Ever Watched Anyone Play

I love it when I get a new First Person Shooter game and load it up for the first time. You start out with all your basic guns and attacks and then as the game progresses you level up your character and guns and bad guys and “oh holy fuck” special attacks. This movie is just like that with the exception that you never make it out of the first level, get new guns or attacks, the bad guys stay the same until the main boss fight and also someone else is holding the control the whole time.

It might be that I’ve seen too many action films or played too many video games and it takes a lot more to make me sit back and go “OH SHIT”, but that didn’t happen once for me in this movie. In fact it was the opposite, I was bored. Like really bored. Like I kept checking my phone and trying to figure out what the couple behind me was talking about through the entire film before they walked out early, bored. The problem with having a film that’s one long action scene is that if you don’t up the “OH SHIT” factor every few minutes, it gets stale, which this did.

Our lead, Henry, was a pair of hands and feet with no character given to the person they were attached to. I actually think this film would have benefitted with Henry having his “speech box” repaired at the very beginning to at least allow him to spout Duke Nukem type one-liners every so often. It at least would have made things more entertaining. Our main talking, plot progression character was played by the guy from District 9 as every character that Hannibal dressed up as during the first season of the A Team. Some, well mostly just one, of these persona’s were entertaining, the rest were just around for a musical number. Fucking. Musical. Number.

All in all, I can’t in good conscience recommend this movie unless you really enjoy sitting around for 90 minutes watching your friend play a video game that they happened to buy out of the cut out bin but if that’s your thing, you will fucking love this movie!!! Personally, I’d rather watch both Crank movies, which did what this movie was going for a hell of a lot better with out trying to have the gimmick of it being first person and treating it’s viewer to a heavy dose of motion sickness.