The Snark Review of Kong: Skull Island
The views of the Snark do not reflect the views or Opinions of 13th Hour Online or any of their partners or affiliates in any way. This is purely satirical and meant for a laugh and nothing more. (So lighten up Francis ) These reviews may contain spoilers of this film (or possibly others or even the ending of LOST…..sorry JJ ) so reader beware. The views expressed within are solely the views of a jaded, grumpy old man, who loves Batman a little too much, and wants you to get off his lawn.
Thus follows a very spoiler filled review of the movie Kong: Skull Island
So this film opens during World War 2 as two American and Japanese pilots crash land on a beach somewhere and try and work out their by means of shooting at each other. After this fails, they turn to rolling around erotically with each other until they look into each others eyes and finally, slowly, romantically….OH F*** GIANT MONKEY!
Flash forward to the modern day world of the end of Apocalypse Now where Dan Connor is putting together an away party of red shirts to go and investigate a small island that no one has seen before…aside from the guys from the beginning of the movie…and the passengers of Oceanic Flight 815…and the hundreds of people they find later on the island. On this team we have Loki pretending to be James Bond, who actually doesn’t do much, the mom who was locked in that room with that kid and Samuel L Jackson playing every character that Samuel L Jackson has ever played playing Marlon Brando as Colonel Kurtz. After spending way too much time trying to figure out the hows and whys of making it to the island, they take off in a leisurely OH F***, GIANT MONKEY!!!!!
From this point, nothing else in the movie matters because GIANT F***ING MONKEY! I take that back. GIANT F***ING SQUID, and the rest of Lorne Greene’s GIANT F***ING ANIMAL KINGDOM matter and I guess the humans do stuff to try and deal with all the GIANT F***ING ANIMALS, but really, who cares? If you went to see this film for the people in it then I question your life choices.
Go see it. It’s the best GIANT F***ING MONKEY movie I’ve seen since Sophie’s Choice