The Snark

The Snark Review of : Ready Player One

The views of the Snark do not reflect the views or Opinions of 13th Hour Online or any of their partners or affiliates in any way. This is purely satirical and meant for a laugh and nothing more. (So lighten up Francis ) These reviews may contain spoilers of this film (or possibly others or even the ending of LOST…..sorry JJ ) so reader beware. The views expressed within are solely the views of a jaded, grumpy old man, who loves Batman a little too much, and wants you to get  off his lawn.

 

Thus Follows My Spoiler Filled Review of Ready Player One or as I’m calling it from now on “Screw you , Spielberg! Did you even ready the whole book????”

Imagine a virtual world where you can do anything your imagination desires. Do you want to go mountain climbing with Batman? Sure you do, although why the fuck would Batman be mountain climbing? Do you want to spend you days building big ass models of the Iron Giant when you could be doing, like, fun shit? Go for it! Do you want to explore the universe with the Guardians of the Galaxy? Too fucking bad! Disney didn’t let Spielberg use any of their characters. Though Star Wars gets a mention so I don’t know what’s up.

This film takes places in the dystopian future of next week where the masses spend their entire lives online, cat-fishing each other. It stars a bunch of people you’ll probably forget were ever in this, the really cute COPD commercial from Bates Motel, the generic villain from Rogue One as the generic villain and every pop culture reference you can think of show horned in so you won’t think about how bad the movie itself really is when you’re going “Hey Battle-toads!!!”

The Mark Zuckerberg of the online play-land has died and since he has no heir, he leaves behind a contest to find 3 hidden keys to unlock an Easter egg in the game. That Easter egg is full ownership of the online world. In the book, the way to the three keys are inventive riddles that end up being all kinds of fun and basically a love letter to the pop culture of the 80’s. What they’ve turned into in the movie is, “hey, can you pour over the mistakes that this guy has made in his life and is really sad about and we’ll go off of that? Also, for some reason a race. But also also, here’s a really fucking cool Shining tribute”.

I don’t want to give too much away, but if you’ve read the book and still feel the need to see the movie, have the book ready to crack open again when you get home. If you haven’t read the book, order a copy now.

I can’t say I recommend this movie, but I don’t not recommend it either. It starts fun and then shits the bed. What I can say with no issue though is thank you Mr Spielberg for upholding the great time honored tradition of totally ignoring great source material.